Back before I met my Hubba, Hubba, Hunk 'O Burnin' Love, I lived in Guymon, OK. It is the metropolis of the Oklahoma Panhandle. That's to say it is the biggest town in the middle of the Oklahoma Panhandle (which still isn't very big). I lived there for two years.
Not long after moving to Guymon, I met a cute guy, E, who just so happened to be a dispatcher for the Oklahoma Highway Patrol. My dad was a 2nd Lieutenant for Troop-I headquarters, and because I was new to the area, I found myself hanging out there quite a bit.
The first time I walked into Troop-I, E just happened to be working. He was friendly to me. It was nice to meet a friendly person since I was feeling very alone that far away from home. Those of you that are Okies know that the Panhandle of Oklahoma is nothing like the rest of the state.....it's a bit of a culture shock.
Our conversation led to why I moved and transferred from Northeastern State University to Oklahoma Panhandle State University. He asked me what classes I was enrolled in, etc. I told him I was enrolled in Algebra and that I had ALREADY taken Intermediate Algebra twice while at NSU. Friends, if you don't know this already, Intermediate Algebra is the class you take that prepares you for College Algebra. Yeah, to say I suck at algebra is to put it nicely. Any-who, he graciously offered to tutor me to help me pass the course. What's a lonely, new-to-the-area girl to do? Exactly!
The tutoring soon turned into more than just algebra. We went from teacher/student to boyfriend/girlfriend quickly. E really was a great guy (until he asked his ex-girlfriend, now wife, on a date about 9 months later.)
He was the kind of guy who loved helping anyone and everyone out. He was a bit obsessive and very much a type-A personality. For example, whenever he would travel somewhere, he would always try to beat his previous time. Does your man do this? If you're a man, I guess this is some sort of sport. If you're a woman, it's some sort of inhumane torture. Everyone knows that a man can hold his bladder much longer than a woman!
Okay, okay. I know you're saying, "Get on with the story, Mrs. Albright!"
We decided, not long after we were dating, that we'd drive to Pryor to visit my mom. She hadn't met my new boyfriend yet. It normally takes a person about 7.5 hours to get from Guymon to Pryor. I'm sure he had already calculated the miles and a time to beat in his head before we ever left Guymon.
Now let me tell you, we were not far enough along in our relationship that we were comfortable discussing bathroom habits. The thought of passing gas in front of him would have made me blush Merle Norman red and my face burn like anthracite.
Here's where it gets a little personal. For years I had been afflicted with IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Ever heard of it? Ever had it? Ever been embarrassed by it? If so, I'd love to hear about it because I swear I've never heard a more embarrassing story than my own. I'd love to feel not so alone in my embarrassment.
We drove 2 hours to Woodward, OK and stopped to eat at Braum's. (For those of you not in OK, Braum's is like THE BEST ice cream/dairy/hamburger place.) I should have known better, but I ate a cheeseburger and fries. I was hungry, okay?! He kept looking at his watch while we were eating and then finally said we needed to go so he could beat the time he'd previously made from Guymon to Oklahoma City. I ate quickly.
We had no more than made it two miles down the road until my stomach started making some all-too-familiar noise. I tried to put the sound and fear of what could happen out of my head. Then I started having sharp pains. In my head, I was trying to come up with how on earth I was going to tell him I needed to stop and use the restroom. I mean, I had JUST used the restroom at Braum's not more than 5 minutes earlier.
I had a death grip on the door handle; my knuckles were WHITE! I was trying hard NOT to pass gas. I knew just one little passage could be a bad, bad thing, for more than one reason.
Just as we were leaving the city limits, I told him I really needed to go to the restroom. He reminded me that I had JUST been to the bathroom. I said, "Ummm, yeah, but my stomach isn't feeling so good."
It's important that I let you know that it was after dinner time and it was already dark outside.
He just looked at me and told me the next town was 13 miles away and asked if I could wait until then. I wanted to cry. I'd pretty much lost all feeling to every part of my body except for my stomach and rear. Do you know how hard it is to hold "it?" Of course you do. My stomach was no longer making little noises, it was sounding like overalls in a clothes dryer. And, it felt like it too!
I managed to mumble, "I'll try."
I think I made it two more miles before I finally told him I needed to go to the bathroom right then. He looked over at me with the blankest look and asked, "Right now?" He informed me there were no bathrooms for about 10 more miles. I told him he was just going to have to pull over because I could no longer wait.
He asked me where on earth did I want him to pull over? I told him to turn at the next side road.
He turned down a gravel road and started driving. I was thinking, "When the heck is he going to stop? If he doesn't stop soon, or if he hits one more pothole, the flood gates of hell were going to be opened wide!"
I finally just said, "STOP!" He said, "Right here? It's not very far off the highway." I told him that if he didn't stop right then I was going in my pants! THAT got his attention.
He stopped and I jumped out, my pants already undone, and ran to the front of the truck (because it blocked me from the highway). I squatted down and held onto the bumper and pooped and pooped and pooped! After the cramping had stopped and I felt certain the meals from the past three days were no longer in me, I asked him to get in my suitcase and get the roll of toilet paper out. (When you have IBS you always travel with some sort of tissue!)
He walked just to the front edge of the truck and handed the toilet paper over the top of the hood to me. I wiped, buttoned up and got in the truck.
You would think that what I just shared would have been the embarrassing part. Yes, that much was embarrassing, but it got worse.
Instead of just driving forward and turning around, he flipped on his lights and...... BACKED UP!!!!! OH, YES, HE DID!!! If I could have wiggled my nose and disappeared at that moment I would have! Because there, in the spotlight of the headlights, was my pile of poo!
I didn't say a word. He didn't say a word. We drove without saying a word for 30 minutes.
I felt my face beating RED the whole time. I tried to think of something funny to say, but nothing would come out. I'm pretty sure I left everything, including my voice, my mind and my dignity back there on that dirt road.
I just kept thinking that this was going to be the longest trip to Pryor EVER! (So much for his sport of beating his driving time!) From his silence I'd convinced myself that he was ticked because I'd messed up his time record. I was certain he would break up with me just as soon as he could. I thought of all the worst case scenarios.
But, just as I was sure I'd pass out from embarrassment, he looked over at me and in a very matter-of- fact manner said....
"That was one healthy SH*T you just took!"
I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. Laughing never felt so good.
Happy National Humor Month!