Tuesday

A Flatulent Fib

Since today is my birthday, I feel like sharing a little "blast from the past".  Literally.  Please read on while I embarrass myself for all the world to read about.

I am an honest person for the most part. Since my mom is reading, I'll go ahead and tell you that I haven't always been such an honest person. As a teenager, I would lie just to lie. I was a horrible human being. One day, I lied too many times and my daddy beat me good. I'm pretty sure that cured me of lying. I could go on and on about horrible "ME" stories from my teenage years but I'll save some for another time.

Now don't get me wrong. I will say a couple of "white lies" on occasion. For example, when those pesky telemarketers call and they ask for me, I will usually say: I'm sorry, she's not home right now. May I take a message? or when Mr. Coco asks me what I've had to eat on any given day, I might conveniently forget to tell him about that snack sized Snickers that I had with my lunch, or when the Pastor at church asks a question like "raise your hand if you have sinned today" and I don't, knowing that I just gossiped about some crazy swinger in my new town to my BFF on the phone.

Being a teacher in Texas had one single perk: The salary compared to Oklahoma. The downfall of me becoming a TEXAS teacher: The TAKS test (which stands for Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills test in case you were just dying to know). 

It was TAKS testing day in Texas. If you're a teacher from Texas, you know all too well that this means you have kids throwing up on their tests and others peeing in their pants due to the anxiety of this flippin' test. I didn't make that up. That has happened on a few occasions. So, all was quiet in room 33 and I had just sat down to check my email (which, btw, you are no longer allowed to do during testing in Texas). My computer chair was a plastic chair--not like my comfy leather desk chair. I suddenly have the urge to pass a little gas. 

DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! WE ALL HAVE MOMENTS LIKE THIS! 

I for sure thought this was going to be a teeny tiny silent little gust of wind. I was wrong. Oh so wrong. I made the loudest, most vibrated noise that these kids had probably ever heard! I was petrified! I had to think quick! How was I going to handle this embarrassing situation? What would Oprah do? 

I handled it in a very classy way: By standing up and asking "Who was that?? Who just did that??" (while giving them my meanest teacher stare). Of course, nobody came clean. They just stared at me like I was crazy. I secretly think they all knew it was me but I honestly reacted in the only way I could at that time. That was my first instinct. I was utterly embarrassed. Mortified might be a better adjective.

The next day, a parent brought up this little incident while dropping off her child. She said her son came home and said that someone "exploded in their pants" and he couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. Niiiiiice.  

I'm sure I almost won Teacher of the Year that year.  

Any embarrassing flatulent moments you'd like to share with me?  Oh please share!  I love a good laugh.



Mrs. Coco
Fibbing about flatulence like....

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