The story I'm going to tell you today is one that happened about 6 years ago. Some of you have heard me tell it before, but many of you haven't. Every single bit of it is true. I'm certain you've never had a shopping experience like this before. Hopefully this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me as well.
I can promise I will remember every vivid detail of it forever and plan to tell it to my comatose roommate when I'm 99 and sitting in the nursing home. The ick factor is high but the funny factor is higher (to me).
I was hanging out with a very good friend of mine - we will call her "Amy" - who had never been to a certain mega-store so we decided to go shopping while Doc agreed to watch all of the kids. Doc's a great guy and all but an offer like this is a rarity. The opportunity was a delightful surprise!
When we arrived at the store, we started loading our shopping cart and "Amy" mentioned a slight urge to go pee. Although we both needed to go we were worried about our time slipping away and decided to try clothes on first. The Doc was very specific about the amount of time he would babysit.
We were sharing the big dressing room when the whole thing started. "Amy" lost her balance and fell face first on the carpet with her jeans halfway down on her knees. Of course we both start laughing so hard that no sound comes out. I immediately moved to a squatter position to avoid an accident. You know, the one where you sit on your heel so you don't wet yourself? But poor "Amy" was too late.
Dare I mention that we were not the only ones in the dressing area?
As she stood up in the dressing area, I could hear it - and it made me laugh even more. It sounded like someone was pouring a pitcher of water on to the floor! The more I heard, the more I laughed... and the more "Amy" laughed, the more she peed. At this point, we were laughing so hard that no noise came out.
But then it gets better.
While trying to gain control of her bodily functions and still laughing the silent laugh... she farts.
Then the pee starts flowing freely all over again as we laugh even harder.
This seemed to last a lifetime but who really knows how long before we could regain composure long enough to discuss the predicament we were now in. I still needed to pee and had to stop laughing in order to finally stand back up. "Amy" finally stood up and found that one whole side of her jeans was covered in pee, plus her underwear and her socks.
The restroom was on the opposite side of the building.
Her first whispered words were, "What do I do now?"
My first thought was to buy new jeans and underwear, but she wouldn't even consider it. After all, then everyone would KNOW the horrible thing that just happened (not that I wasn't going to tell anyway).
So she pulled her jeans back up and we headed across to the bathroom (with our shopping cart) to figure things out there. Once in the bathroom, she trashed the soaking wet undies but would not give up the socks. THE SOCKS! They were soaked, but she informed me that they were Ralph Lauren and therefore... not disposable. The socks went to the underneath part of our shopping cart to be hidden until departure.
She was taking so long in the bathroom (even though she had nothing left) that I thought maybe there was something more for her to do - so I left and told her to meet me outside the door. I had already heard her fart and didn't want to stick around for more of the same.
One minute later "Amy" exits the bathroom and informs me that the problem has only gotten worse. She started. And you know what she started. So now she is covered in pee AND freely flowing without undies to help. She gets some supplies and hopes for the best.
And you'll never guess what happened next. Would you believe that we shopped anyway? Any mom with a desperate need to get out with a girlfriend might understand - especially if you have very young kidlets. By the time we left the store, her jeans were dry. I'm really grossed out thinking about that now but I swear at the time it made sense to us. Free childcare and all.
We passed the dressing room at one point and overheard a customer telling her friend, "Something in there really stinks!" Giggle, giggle. We knew exactly what stink was in there. We had short bursts of laughter every time we looked at each other because of our little secret. If we paused to look at something I would catch a whiff of the urine smell and we would start laughing all over again.
At the end of our shopping, we made some purchases and headed for the car. I remember thinking that I was glad we were in Doc's car so I didn't have the pee in mine. As we settled in the car, "Amy" realized she had left something very important behind. She left her peed on but treasured Ralph Lauren socks in the bottom of the cart. But this... THIS... was the thing she was too embarrassed to go back for.
Some lucky person got some free socks, but I doubt they kept them.
Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?
~ Mrs. Priss
Keeping my socks on like...